you wish you were here

I thought that attending my parent's sunday school christmas party would be kind of a drag, but it turns out that these geriatrics really can bring the funny out. The white elephant gift exchange was especially wild, and not just for the fish.

We've established that Dad wound up with Mom's gift

She was laughing so hard she could barely protest

Nancy got some sequined butterflies

and Hank was pleased with his head-lamp camo cap


the Cruz's landed some toilet paper

I got a gun-hiding Beth Moore devotion book

you know... a gun-hiding Beth Moore devotion book

...and Bill scored some jingle balls.

Right. On to the song:

It was great.

It's okay Dad

My mom bought two goldfish to give in a white elephant gift exchange. As irony would orchestrate, she wound up with the fish. When they got home, Dad set a fishbowl in the sink and poured the bag of fishwater into the bowl. It overfilled and sent one of the fishies down the garbage disposal. I ran to the next room to constrict into a ball and squeal for the fish's pain while Dad went fishing for a fish in his garbage disposal. Don't worry, he caught it and returned the little guy to his home. Then checked on him for a couple minutes to make sure he was still kickin' it.

Fishes and humans are funny.

They must live in water but die without air and we must live in air but die without water.

Connor the wonderkid

I thought that I would score some extra space on my flight from Atlanta to Sarasota, but Connor the wonderkid walked into my life. His mom didn't seem to mind dropping him off alone at row 14 on her way to her own seat in the very back of the plane. I helped him take off his Transformers light-up backpack and he settled into the middle seat between me and a less-than-pleasant elderly lady. He told me it was his twentieth time flying and he was going to visit Grandpa. Amongst other things he told me...

“I only had a half day at school. We watched the Polar Express and ate lunch in our classroom.”
“Oh", I said, "eating lunch in class is way better than in the cafeteria."
“How do you know we have a cafeteria?! Do you go to my SCHOOL?!”

I should have said yes. He was 6 years old and beautiful. His bright gray eyes were framed with long black eyelashes above an extremely boogery nose and constant smile showing the littlest baby teeth I’ve ever seen. He was LOUD. And FUNNY. He started out by teaching me about all the superhuman toys he played with:

“This one’s name is Bomination. He steals people’s hearts and rips them out of their bodies and turns it into liquid solids and pours it into a truck to get power and the truck is made out of legos. Maybe I should stick something in my eyeball.”

I discouraged the idea. But he still let me play with his toys.

“Do you play with toys?”
“Yeah.”
“Boy toys?”
“Ha. No.”
(grinning) “Is this your first time?”
“Yeah”
“It’s my hundred millionth time. My sister plays with girl toys. Do you play with girl toys?
“Yeah.”
“Like what?”
“Computers and clothes and makeup and coffee and books.”
“Oh. My sister plays with her girl toys. Babies and stuff.”
“Yeah, those are more fun for girls.”
“Why?! You can’t destroy anything with BABIES!”

We had so many good talks:

“One time I swallowed a flashlight. They put it down my throat.”
“Did they find anything in your stomach?”
“Yeah. Chewed up rice.”
“Oh. They weren’t looking for anything in particular?”
“Yeah.”
“What were they looking for?”
“A ribbon with a staple on it. But the ribbon melted in my stomach. Wanna know what happened to the staple?”
“What?”
“I can’t tell you. It’s gross.”
...
“Yesterday at school I boogeyed DOWN! You know those things with the lights that make the ground different colors and they're covered in sparkles?”
“They’re called disco balls. Did you have a dance at school?”
“Yeah. The president of my school boogeyed down too! You look different than my teacher. She has longer hair than you and a bigger face than you. You know those spots you have all over your face?”
“You mean my freckles?”
“Yeah. Do grown-ups get those?”
“Sometimes.”
“I think that girls get those and boys don’t. How old are you?”
“Twenty-two.”
“How old would you be if I was your age?”
“Well, what’s 16 + 22?”
“Let me do it…35?”
“Close. 38.”
“My math is very close!”

He got a hold of my camera and took some excellent pictures:

"Why does God make it yucky outside?"
"Because we need rain."
"We don’t need this much rain."
"If we didn’t have rain, we wouldn’t have food."
"Go to the grocery store!"
"But where would the grocery store get food from?"
"ANOTHER grocery store!"
"Well, where would we get water from?"
"Buy a SINK!"
"Where would we get the water for the sink?"
"HIRE PEOPLE!"

By now we were just about to take-off. The people around us were irritated by him, and I knew I was perpetuating his loud outbursts by asking him questions, but I didn’t care.
When the plane rose above the dark clouds into a clear blue sky and shining sun, Connor looked out the window and stated: “I think the earth is magical.”

After a while, we built a fort by draping his SpongeBob blanket over our lowered tray-tables, and he hid out in the secret spy hiding place until he had to put his seatbelt back on near the end of the flight. I let him keep two toys out of his backpack for the landing.

“God made me funny. He also made toys fart.”

Then he told me he wished I was his mom. I wanted to squeeze him so bad.

When I had to leave him, I gave him a high-five and told him to have lots of fun at Grandpa’s. As I walked away, he shouted:
“What’s your name again?!”

Megan

My sister and I used to love to dress up in my mom's old bride's maid dresses and perform this little song and dance when we were little.



Which is pretty funny, because Meg used to practically pull my hair out for wearing her clothes.
We thought adulthood would be all dancing and dresses and men adoring us.

huh haha

• If I don't have a humidifier, will setting a bowl of water in front of my space heater work just as well?

• I think it's funny that I don't get internet when I sit indian-style under my laptop, but I do when I straighten my legs out.

*my room is so ghetto

in case of an emergency

I hate the emergency contact list. Whenever I fill out a form to participate in something here in KC, I have to name a person who would come to the hospital for me if something bad happened. I never know who to write. I had a motherly friend here in town who would know what to do in a hospital, but she moved to Korea. Then I have another motherly friend that I could name, but she’s dealing with cancer right now and she’s probably sick of hospitals.

Sometimes when I was little, I would wake up in the middle of the night and my mom would be standing in my doorway. She is a light sleeper, and if anything ever wakes her up at night she takes advantage of the opportunity to walk around the house and check on her kids, make sure we're still safe and peaceful in our beds.
It always made me feel secure, and when I got older I never dared sneak out at night, mostly because it would hurt her and nothing out there felt as good as the love I had at home.

I wonder why it took me 3 years of living 1,100 miles away from my mom to remember these things, and what that means about me as a daughter.
And I think the devil is a real bastard for waking me up at 6:12 am to whisper fear in my ear when I don’t have to participate in this weary world until 7:30.

It’s okay though, because I have friends who would probably be glad to come for me in an emergency. And now the only Person who watches over me at night doesn’t sleep. He who watches never sleeps. And if the devil wakes me up early to tell me that I am alone, I’ll just sing a song about strong love and he won’t like that very much.

sack blocks

I have these black mary-jane flats that I really like to wear. Kim has them too. It snowed last night, and I wanted to wear those shoes this morning. I would have been fine if I had worn socks, but they would have to be black and I hate wearing black socks. I had to wear black socks every day to work for 5 years. I would get up in the morning, wear whatever I wanted, and be whoever I wanted until I had to go to work. My day changed when I had to take of my own clothes and put on a uniform. Take off my own self and put on my work self.
So now I have a new job where I don’t have to say stock phrases and wear stock smiles, and I can wear whatever kinds of socks I want.
I have a whole drawer full of black socks, and I hate them. So today I wore my flats with no socks in the snow. It was stupid. I got snow all in my shoes and my feet were cold all day, but I didn’t wear black socks. And that part was nice.
I think I might be very stubborn.