finding out

We found out on April 26th, 2012.

I was all excited to take my first pregnancy test, which I did on the earliest possible day that the package told me I'd get an accurate reading. It turns out that all the romantic notions I'd had about taking a pregnancy test and waiting on the results with my husband kind of poofed into thin air. You have to pee on a stick, which is kind of medical and gross, then wipe the pee splatters off the stick before your husband sees it, and do you peek at the results before you leave the bathroom? Is that allowed if you want to 'find out together'?

We sat on the bed together and waited for three minutes, and then looked. And it was negative.

And that was ok. I had worked hard to not build up hopeful expectations while I built up hopeful expectations anyway. It was only the first month. I really couldn't expect to get pregnant that fast and there was probably nothing wrong with either one of us. Except that I was well studied on the subject of fertility and my own body and I knew for sure that Mars and Venus had crossed paths at the right time...so...still, it was fine. Maybe next month.

I had been feeling a little weird and thought that meant I was pregnant. I had cried easily a couple of times over sentimental things and thought it was a sign. I had a few mood swings and thought that was a sign too. I tried to put all of that out of my mind and Tim and I went to run errands.

We walked into Whole Foods and the smell of the produce section hit me wrong. I had this clear moment of knowing that is hard to describe and I assertively walked over to the vitamin aisle and selected some prenatal vitamins and tossed them in the basket. I told Tim I should have started taking them a while ago. A week or so went by and I stayed in this limbo of thinking my body was telling me I was pregnant, but remembering the test results. 

We had a photographer's social planned at our house for a Thursday night, and that afternoon I got testy. I had a list of things to do to get the house ready for our guests and I was feeling overwhelmed. Tim was helping but at one point when he wasn't doing some household thing my way, I snapped at him and he retreated to the kitchen to wash dishes. 

I felt mean, and I hated that. I didn't feel like myself at all and I was tired of being denied that something real was happening to me and throwing me off kilter. I grabbed my last pregnancy test and snuck off to the bathroom to get my final answer, which I expected to be another negative result.

It wasn't. The horizontal line popped up immediately, no three-minute wait required. 

And then I realized that I was all alone in the bathroom with the weight of this realization, which was heavy, and my thoughts surprisingly weren't fairy-dusted or sunshiny. This is happening? And it's permanent? And I was just mean to my husband and now I have to go tell him I'm pregnant?

I made haste to the kitchen. Tim had his back turned to me as he was washing dishes and I reached for a hug first, which he immediately returned, and then I said; 
"I just took this pregnancy test..."
"WHOAH! I knew you weren't acting like yourself!"

He was so excited, which reminded me that I could be excited too. And then it all turned sweet. We forgot about the chores and the people who were coming soon and the food we needed to make and everything else, and we just held each other and rejoiced and lived in the moment for a while. In my heart, I fell to my knees and thanked God for giving us undeserved grace to be able to get pregnant so easily. It wasn't lost on me then, and still isn't, that I was spared the pain of what I could have gone without. 

deciding to try

Next time, I want to get pregnant by accident. Because getting pregnant on purpose is stressful.

The process is full of endless second guessing. Are we ready? No, but are we really ready? What's a justifiable reason to get pregnant? If I'm sad every day that I'm not, is that good enough reason to go for it? I'm 25. Is that too young? We've been married less than a year. What will people think? 

Well, that was my process. Tim's process was endearingly more simple. His had two levels: "I'm not ready yet", and "now I am". I will always envy his ability to make assertive decisions while I hem and haw and worry for weeks over what to do.

Back in February, we were having these talks a lot. We were almost ready, but not quite set yet. Then, I found out that I was a potential candidate to be a bone marrow donor, and I couldn't donate if I was pregnant. What a sweet relief it was to have an important reason to wait! And it was my only reason for the 8 weeks it took to determine that I was not the right candidate to donate my marrow. This coincided with the birth of our niece, and I then felt helpless against the overwhelming desire to start this process in my own family.

In the first days after Zaylee's birth, a few well-meaning people said out loud what my brain and heart were mercilessly screaming at me: "you're next!", "don't you want this too?", and the classic "whenever you're ready...".  Oh, what this did to me. 

It's not that I felt like I needed to meet anyone's approval. When people suggest ideas that are wrong for me, they're easy to brush off. I couldn't shake this because it was a deep, private desire of my own heart laid bare and spoken out loud. 

The ride home from visiting the maternity ward felt so severe. At first Tim didn't understand. "It's not a big deal. Don't pay any attention to what other people say." 

"It IS a big deal! And it's not because of what anyone's saying. It's what I'm feeling and what I've been wanting for so long."

Wait, how long had I been wanting this? I've always known I wanted to be a mother. I remember being 5 years old and squeezing my baby brother so tight he would cry every time I held him. When I was in my teens, I would dream freely about getting married and having babies. In my single twenties, I shut down those desires completely out of self-preservation. When Tim and I got serious and started talking about marriage, I started to dream again, this time about little dark-haired technologically inclined sassy Franco-American children. And now that we were settled and happy in marriage, the deep desire to start a family was past longing. It was primal. It was pain.

There was nothing to wait for. I wanted a baby more than a house. More than a Master's degree. More than another major-responsibility-free year in my twenties. More than a good night's sleep and more than the money we save by being childless. I wanted this more than any of those big things that couples usually want to get settled first before having a baby.

We took a few more weeks to pray about it, and then it was firmly decided. 

We would try.

an announcement :)

I am almost 16 weeks pregnant! More to come soon on this amazing new season that Tim and I are embarking on. We couldn't be more thrilled, giddy, scared, and honored.