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Sunday, January 11, 2009

On asking directions

So, women have a clock, and men have a compass. Biological, that is, ticking and tinkering inside us. One tells me I’m leaving my prime, the other tells you where to go and how to get places at all times, which is why you never stop to ask.


My point is this, boys: when I ask you for directions and ya’ll start going all north south east and west on me, it’s over.

I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Do you have some 3-D holographic imaging going on in your head? Do you look for moss growing on trees? Is the earth's magnetic field pulling you in a distinct fashion? I don’t have any of that. Give me rights, lefts, landmarks, street names, whose car is parked out front…something recognizable!

I don’t know what my deal is, but I’ve never been good at global positioning. I’m sorry.
Wait, I take that back. I was good at it in Florida, where there was only north and south to deal with, and I had the beach on one side of me to hint at the west. And I disguised my dilemma when I lived in Colorado. Those beautiful Rockies did all the work for me. But now here in this landlocked Missouri city, where everywhere is a building and a winding road and highways go in circles…it’s just not happening.

In my mind….I was one place, then I took a few turns, and now I’m somewhere else. I have NO IDEA which direction I’m pointing my nose after that. Roads curve, turns must be taken, wrong turns must be corrected by U-turns. Then what am I to do?

He: “So Bethany, where in Florida are you from?”
Me: “About halfway down on the left side.”

He: “Do you live on the north or south side of Red Bridge?”
Me: “Next to the house with all the toys out front, on the yard art street. You’ll find a miniature gnome wearing sunglasses outside my front door.”

Jeremy: “We’re at the corner of 83rd and Wenonga.”
Me: “Sweet.”
Jeremy: “But there’s two Wenongas. We’re on the one that faces north, set back from the road, you won’t be able to see cars out front. Head north off 435 west, turn west on 83rd, then north on the right Wenonga.”
Me: ---mapquesting---as I “mmhmm”, “gotcha”, and “ok” to him over the phone

I do pretty well despite my land logic deficiency, I think. I always get where I need to go. Eventually.

My GPS is getting fixed and will be back with me very soon. Bless my mother.


  1. Hm, interestingly, I always got lost down south when people said lefts and rights, and out here (in landlocked Missouri) I do quite well with the norths, souths, easts and wests.

    I've also never heard my biological clock ticking...please don't tell me this means I'm a boy. :(

  2. haha. this makes me laugh. and i can TOTALLY RELATE because i too grew up in a place that had some geography to go by in the case of directions.

    mountains to the south.
    black canyon to the east.
    desert to the north.
    spring creek mesa to the west.