Scenes from this week

Me: "I have the flu."
Doctor: "You don't have the flu."
Me: "Then why do I feel like I've been run over by a Mack truck?"
Doctor: "There's nothing wrong with you. Go home and go to bed. You can take off the flu-mask."

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Boss calls a meeting in her office and five of us pile in there. Two minutes into the meeting, boss's cell phone starts ringing an infectious techno beat. My foot immediately starts grooving to the melody and one of those silly unreasonable laughs starts bubbling up in my belly. She picks it up, studies it and says:
"I think I'm just going to let that ring", sets it down, and lets it keep going.
No! You have to turn it off! I can't contain the inner dance party! Don't you know that you only have to press one of those buttons to make it stop?!
Then, while the techno groove is still partying on her desk, she starts PRAYING to open the meeting! WITH HER EYES OPEN!
I can't escape! Don't laugh! Bite the insides of your cheeks! Don't dance and don't laugh!
I bowed my head real low and fought to still my shaking shoulders. I didn't dare look around at the collectively similar expressions around me in the room.
Finally, I regained composure and attempted to appear reasonable...just in time for techno groove beat to lay a dance revolution on our meeting again. I still have mollar marks on the insides of my cheeks.

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Leaving Wal-Mart, I arrive at my car and find a COMPLETELY flat tire. Pancake flat.
I stood there whimpering in the rain for a minute before deciding to drive it around to the tire center.
I sat in the waiting room and called Dad.
Me: "I don't have money for a flat tire."
Dad: "How'd you get it to the tire place?"
Me: "I was already at Wal-Mart. I just drove it around the back side of the store."
Dad: "Bethy! You can't drive on a flat tire!"
Me: "What was I supposed to do? Change it into the spare to drive 200 yards?"
Dad: "Do you even know how to change a tire?"
Me: "Nope."

Meanwhile they call my name, and I go up to find out the cost.

Tire-man: "That'll be $10."
Me: "What?!"
Tire-man: "You had 2 nails stuck in there. We just patched it up."
Me: "Bless you precious man!"
Tire-man: *looks uncomfortable*

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Roommate: "I made something weird."
Me: "Like what?"
Roommate: "Cheese pizza, with sausage. And tuna."
Me, looking disgusted: "Oh, Em...!"
Roommate: "Want to try some?"
Me: "Sure."