This week has been rough; a constant pendulum swing between doing everything in my power to fix our breech situation, and trying to let go of all my long-time natural birth hopes and expectations and graciously receive whatever comes in the next two weeks.
I've had a LOT of appointments. Every day this week I've either had the round ligaments in my pelvis "loosened" (read: pushed on REALLY hard for an extended period of time), or had a set of needles stuck in my feet...or heard my midwives tell me that despite everything I'm doing, my baby is still breech.
Thankfully, when I come home from all the difficulty, I find a safe place in the ready arms of my husband. I've wet many of his shirts with frustrated tears since last Friday, and he hasn't yet grown tired of consoling me. This hard time has also been the best time for us together.
We've gone on a couple of dates but I've mostly tried to work out my negative energy in the kitchen making us candlelight dinners every night...just to have something pretty to look at and give us something to look forward to in the evenings.
I haven't been sleeping very well, but the light of the Christmas tree has been comforting in the early mornings, and I've gotten really good at drawing a killer mineral and bubble bath.
One bright spot has been all the Christmas cards and packages arriving at our apartment every day. Tim and I have all but ruined our surprises for each other because our credits cards are tied to the same email account that we both check...so when the boxes come from Amazon we have no idea what's inside or what goes to who...so we just wrap the box and I guess we'll open them together on Christmas morning. This is also the week we get new business equipment for next year, and watching Tim get excited over his tax deductible toys is really fun. I love that his favorite things are also his work tools.Tomorrow morning, I'll go back to the chiropractor and he'll confirm the baby's position. Then in the afternoon I'll see my midwives and we'll plan whatever next steps we need to according to their care limitations and the best judgement of our OBGYN. I really don't expect to hear that there's been a change, and it's not because I'm being pessimistic. I'm trying to be reasonable and prepared for the most likely scenario, especially after everything we've tried. I'm ready to move passed all the craziness of this week and know for sure how we're going to bring our baby into the world, whether that be through surgery or the non-interventive route we've hoped for since we got married.
Either way, I'm still working hard to keep the perspective that this is all minor in the grand scheme. A bumpy road filled with detours that I'd rather not take but with an unchanged destination ahead. And each detour has its little surprises and joys.